Random thoughts

Today was Keith's last day at work for awhile. I was touched by the outpouring of support and offers of help from his colleagues. I was not surprised, however, as Keith is a loving and supportive person and he brings those feelings out in others. I know in the days and weeks to come that those offers of help will become part of a lifeline that keeps our family moving forward.

It's so hard to even think of Keith being sick -- he seems fine on the surface. It all seems slightly unreal. The edges of life are fuzzy and blurred like a dream. We keep waiting to wake up.

I feel very proud of how he has managed the first steps of treatment. Placing tubes and objects must add to the dream-like quality of his life right now. He shows real courage and acceptance, whether he feels it or not.

Courage, it seems, is about actions, not feelings. Fear is always a part of this. But what should we do with that fear? Do we nurture it? Do we dwell on it? Do we succumb to it?
Keith has decided that it is important to face his fears and move forward as an example to his children. His strength in the face of this challenge demonstrates his values and the depth of his love for his daughters. They draw their strength from him.

One way to conquer fear, at least to some degree, is to find time for laughter. Humor is a healthy response that makes both the body and the mind feel better. Keith's writing continues to have his dry sense of humor in spite of the underlining seriousness of the situation.
Smiles help ease the underlying fear. It helps us to stay grounded in the here and now.
This morning we watched our granddaughter Liz stacking coffee creamers -- making houses and castles out of little containers. How can anyone not smile while a child discovers such tiny joys.

And, after all, life is funny at times...
We look for something for an hour only to discover it is right in front of us.
"Where are my glasses?" "On your head, silly!"
The call at night from the son who says his car won't start, he'll need to call a tow truck. (out of gas!).
Walking through the department store past lingerie and Liz yells out for all to hear "Look, grandma. Boobies."
Me mispronouncing the word "stoic" as "stoyk." (Keith found that very funny.)
Lying in bed on a Sunday morning, enjoying the quiet and then hearing several bumps and an "ow" and we both say, "Kim's up."
Me losing every mini-challenge on my new Wii game and still beating the kids -- they still can't figure that one out.
Keith calling me to "say hello" and I say "you bought ...." I'm right, of course. And he says "how do you do that?" -- we both do it actually, it just comes from being married for a long time.

I love those moments. It is when we laugh about something together that I feel most connected.

I also find myself thinking a lot about the years we've spent together -- remembering hardships and triumphs. I treasure our spontaneous trips whether they worked out or not. I treasure sharing the births of our children, even if Keith did take some pictures of me in some very embarrassing positions. I even treasure the arguments, because out of them we always gained a better understanding of each other.
Maybe we both like roller coasters so much because it reminds us of our life together. A series of ups and down, loops and turns -- thrilling, exciting, heart-pounding climbs and dives and when it stops you want to go again.