Goals

Keith is handling the chemo and radiation so well I find myself waiting "for the other shoe to drop." So far, so good. We're going out to dinner a lot. It's good for Keith to continue to get out and enjoy good food while he can still swallow pretty well. He needs to keep his weight up in anticipation of later difficulties. However, it's not doing much for my "diet" before our daughter Jenny's wedding, coming up in December. Oh well.


The wedding has become a goal and special marker in our lives. Keith's mom needs to get well enough to come to the wedding. Keith needs to be in recovery so he can walk Jenny down the aisle and dance with his daughter on her wedding day. It's the the good news of the family -- the one thing that we all look forward to. Family will come to see us. We will smile again. We will have fun together. We will welcome a son into our family -- one we already love from getting to know him over the past three years. Our family will grow and change in wonderful ways. It's such a great goal to have before us.

Another goal is harder to reach. Avoiding negative feelings. With cancer comes a certain amount of anger and irritability. Some of it is caused by lack of sleep. Some of it is caused by the overwhelming feelings of powerlessness against the disease.

Keith and I have been cranky with each other for a few days. There are times when I feel he is constantly critical of whatever I'm doing. At other times I know that he is saying ordinary things but it sounds like criticism because of the way that I feel at the time. I know it is likely because he isn't feeling well, emotionally or physically. But should I be "nice" about everything because he is ill? Probably. But, at the same time, that's not me. It's not normal for us either. We have always expressed our feelings, both positive and negative to each other. So, while we both avoid getting into any big arguments, once in a while we still get "snarky" with each other.

The negative feelings we avoid are the kind that relates to his illness. We talk of the future with a positive outlook. We talk of his recovery. We talk about getting better. It will happen.

For most of our lives as a couple we haven't really spent that much day-to-day time together since the kids were small. He worked nights. I worked days. At one point he worked days, and (of course) I got promoted to a job that had me on the night shift. My guess is that our sudden evenings together are both wonderful and a little stressful because it is such a change for us.

We need to get more sleep. We need to think before we speak. We need a banish as many "snarky" remarks as possible. But, will we never disagree while he has cancer? I doubt it. If I became some perfect little 50s wife who always agreed with her hubby and never had a bad day he WOULD think he was dying. So, we will settle for realistic goals -- to keep things in perspective, to enjoy our time together, to express our feelings as positively as possible. And, of course, to walk Jenny down the aisle and dance at her wedding.